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~ Thursday, May 08, 2003

Wow, Mother's Day is almost here. Do you know how hard it is to buy a Mother's Day card after you've found out she could possibly die from breast cancer within the next couple of years? Agonizing!!!! But, I found a really nice one. But, really, how do you tell your mother everything she truly means to you and your whole life? Moms have such an impact on your total being, you know? I never really looked at it that way until I realized that I may lose her and be motherless. She is so much a part of who I am. It makes me want to be a better mother...... actually, the BEST mother because someday, your own kid is going to have the same revelation.

Unfortunately, I can't be with my Mom this Mother's Day. With her chemo, I am afraid that she will catch something from us or the kids with her weakened immune system. She has the 3rd treatment 3 days after Mother's Day. They are supposed to come see me for my birthday the weekend of the 23rd. It will be the first time out traveling for her since she found out about the cancer. It will be best then because the effects of the Herceptin will have work in much better and won't really affect her and the chemo effects will have worn off. I can't wait to see her.

~ charlene mcgee at 9:27 AM

~ Monday, May 05, 2003

My son's 8th grade graduation is May 17th. My mom can't come because her Taxol/Carbo and Herceptin treatment is that week. That really sucks. I miss my mom so much!

~ charlene mcgee at 10:19 AM

~ Sunday, April 27, 2003

Okay, I'm back now. Had a super great trip to Oklahoma. I have the best family ever! My grandfather is still sharp as a tack. My dad gave this whole montage of my grandfather's life and my grandfather could remember who was with him in each picture and the approximate years the pictures were taken.

My dad seemed a bit lonely on the trip without my mom there. She couldn't go due to the chemo last week and from what I gather, was wiped out on Saturday. He did come to confess that he missed the consultation with the onc on the CAT scan results last week. So, that answers my questions on why my mom called me. I almost flipped! And, he knew it was coming.... Anyway, the only other news he told me was that the one lung with the 5 cm tumor in it was now 4 cm, which was a 20% reduction. That seemed great to me, considering she had only had 4 herceptin treatments and one taxol/carbo chemo. They will continue all the treatments now for another 6 weeks at least.

Otherwise, the trip was great but a bit stressful. We left on Thursday night and left Saturday night so we could be home Sunday. I was sad to go because that side of my family is the only good (as in purely good) family that I have. We are pretty much estranged from my mom's side of the family. My husband's mother's family is good people, too, for the most part. His other side....well, they don't like me as far as I know. Their loss I guess.

~ charlene mcgee at 6:05 PM

~ Thursday, April 24, 2003

I leave for Oklahoma tonight for my grandfather's 90th birthday party on Saturday. The men on that side of the family have a reputation for living a very long time, so I imagine in 10 years I will head back to OK for the 100th bash party. My grandfather, he's not always "there" anymore. I mean he is pretty coherent and understands (I think) but he tends to fade off into his own world. I haven't seen him for maybe 5 years but when I last saw him, he was extremely happy about a new hymn he had wrote. It was a beautiful hymn and he was giddy. Yes, I said giddy..... over the hymn. And he was like 85 years old... giddy.

I used to spend every summer with my grandparents. My father was in the military so we moved around alot, but I could always count on a stable summer at my Grandparents with the same people, the same kids, the same church, etc. to comfort me. I have such wonderful memories of my grandfather during those summers. My first memory of ever in my lifetime fishing was with him on a dock on Lake Lawtonka surrounded by the hills of the reserve there. One summer, my grandmother went to church camp (she would cook there) and I stayed home with my grandfather. He and a friend were building a deck on the front of the mobile home they had recently bought. I was being the "big girl" and cooking the evening meal for them - spaghetti. I was so proud of myself. He let me do most everything by myself and didn't butt in like most parents (including myself) do. And he did eat it. The other part of that day, and probably why I remember it the most, is that his friend that was helping him almost chopped his hand off when the electric saw they were using slipped. Pretty gory stuff and yet I was so happy! Go figure!

~ charlene mcgee at 1:11 PM

~ Tuesday, April 22, 2003

My brother is such a cretin. We were all supposed to go home to Oklahoma this weekend for my grandfather's 90th birthday party. It has been planned for months. My mom wasn't going to go because she has her herceptin/taxol/carbo treatment Thursday. But, I am going with my whole family in a car (do you know what hell that is?) and my dad said he and my brother would drive down, too. Now, I found out that my brother basically bailed on the reasoning that finals are next week at college. You know....he's a bright kid.... maybe if he had attended the class during the semester, he wouldn't be stressing so much on finals. Jerk!

~ charlene mcgee at 1:47 PM

~ Monday, April 21, 2003

This is the start of my blog as the baby girl. This space is used mostly to talk about my Mom or being a Mom. Do you remember when you were young and everything seemed so easy? Heck, you have free room and board, no responsibilities, no job to earn money, etc. etc. Well, sometimes, that's what I wish I was again. The Baby Girl.

I am my Dad and Mother's baby girl. I was the first born and the only daughter to my parents who are still married after all these years....almost 35 years. I never once in my life ever imagined NOT having parents to talk to. I always have assumed they would be there for me forever, or at least until I knew everything in life. HAH! As we all know, you never know everything......

I found out my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that had spread to her bones and lungs on March 14, 2003. It was one of the worst days of my life. I was devastated at the thought of me not having a mom. I have always had a mom. Even when I didn't deserve anything in the world, I still had a mom. She was always there for me.

I know I sound kind of selfish, but I know she would probably WANT to be my mom forever and ever, too. She would prefer to not have this doom hanging over her. Like everyone else, she knew she would die someday, but she always thought she knew when that would be.....she thought she would be 69 years old when she died. Don't ask me how she came up with that number. It is one of those odd conversations you tend to have when someone close to you finds out they are dying.

At first, I was kind of mad because my parents waited a week to tell me. They said they wanted to get a lump removed and all the testing done before they told me so they would have all the information. The reality was that they were so devastated by the news that they didn't listen to most of the information given to them so when they did tell me, they couldn't answer anything anyway. Now, this is very atypical of my Dad. He is a research hog like me. However, he was just too overwhelmed, I think. Anyway, I had to jolt them out of this a bit by hammering them with questions and doing the research myself and being persistent. It took my mind off the reality of it all and into the details.

Now that we have been living with this for a month, we have all decided that we will treat this as a chronic disease until we hear otherwise. My mom is 52 years old. She is currently on Herceptin with a couple of cycles of Taxol/Carboplatin chemo. She is estrogen positive, HER2 3 positive, and progesterone negative. She has mets to the bone (base of skull) and lungs (both). She previously had a masectomy with 8 malignant lymph nodes when she was 47 followed by anthracycline based chemo and almost 5 years of Tamoxifen. The migraines from the bone mets to her skull and a swollen face tipped off the doctors to the mets.

So, this part of my website is dedicated to my intense insecurity and overall feelings over this situation and how it plays out in my life. I hope it isn't too depressing but talking about it and hearing others in similar situations makes me feel better. Peace!

~ charlene mcgee at 1:11 PM